Let me get this straight. I have nothing against people involved in the fraternity/sorority scene. Good for you, just don’t talk to me unless you are offering me a beer. Fraternities are not what they used to be. I want to see John Belushi again, drinking Jack Daniels from a chalice the size of a Gatorade cooler and farting on all the “cool guys.” Unfortunately, John Belushi died 30 years ago and all we have left from Animal House is Kevin Bacon (also unfortunate), so that can’t happen. Anyways, the problem I do have involves their culture. This problem of culture is frat sunglasses.
These sunglasses are the bane of my existence. When people wear them, I don’t want them to die, I just want them to stop existing. Let’s go over the simplistic and frankly
retarded design of the centerpiece of frat culture. The most obvious thing comes first, the flamboyant colors. Every single pair of these douche-goggles come in a color that belongs on either women’s underwear or a Volkswagen Beetle. Neither of these are things you want to be associated with owning if you’re a male. Secondly, just look at the size of the frames. My body doesn’t need a personal windshield. When I walk, I don’t walk at high enough speeds for bugs or small mammals to explode on my face. That’s what vehicles are for and if you’re really talented, bikes. Lastly, don’t decorate the side with stupid sayings, or anything for that matter. I have seen the glasses with sayings such as “Get Fratty” or “Sauced”, “Smashed”, and other terms for being inebriated. Thanks, but I don’t need your sunglasses to tell me you are drunk while you are puking on the girl you are trying to get with. We all know. Also, don’t tell me to “Get Fratty.” There is a reason I am not in one, and that exact reason is to not “Get Fratty.” Guys, if you want to wear them, then by all means do so. Just don’t take offense to people talking really slowly and deliberately enunciating their words when asking you where your mommy is.
The culmination of these reasons is why God needs to take his fist of truth and justice and bring the hammer down on this mistake of humanity.