You Party in College? Oh. Weird…

I know everyone reading this has been in class sitting next to one of these annoying bastards. You’re sitting in your freshmen psychology class, and the teacher asks you to do one of those stupid, “What Would You Bring With You if Your Airplane Exploded and Crashed into a Mountain” surveys. If you are like me, you bring the useful things, like rope, fire, and a human corpse to eat. Then, out of nowhere, you get these damn window lickers that spout off about how they’d bring that one bottle of alcohol left on the plane. You think, “Hm… I guess you could use it to enhance the flavor of Steve or if it’s high enough proof maybe one could use it as a fire starter.” Then this clown pukes out, “Holy shit bro/female version of a bro. Screw a lighter, I’m bringin’ tha boozes with me.” Then they laugh out loud, in a way that makes you loathe humanity. “Oh my god dude (Even girls say this. The f**k?), I love drinking so much. Like, I drank (insert rather small number of beers and/or shots) on Saturday at a frat house,” they exclaim to the class, who now hates this “person”. In any given class of around 80 people, there will be about 5 people who do this. All 5 of these people are going to hell.

Welcome to hell. Enjoy.

First off champ, or MC DrunkF**k, or whatever you call your drunk self, the majority of college students do the same damn thing you do. Oddly enough, even more people than that don’t care. I know, I know, you never got to drink in high school because you were in an oh-so important high school sport or couldn’t wipe your ass without your mommy or dog doing it for you. “I had important things to do,” the perpetrator says. Well guess what? You still do dick nose, and one of them is making friends, which you just failed at miserably. I’m sorry my not-friend, but people only hang out with you because you get drunk and give them free booze. These people tend to get excessively drunk as they have not had many open experiences with alcohol. This makes them do things that entertain you. You now have the right, no, the privilege, to make fun of them in class next week.

Next time you see this dingleberry, make sure to let him know you saw their incredible fuck-up. Even though they will probably think what they did was “totally rad” regardless of what you say, let them know it was laughably stupid and it will hopefully plant a small seed in their mind. Consistently do this every week until they (hopefully) start to get the picture. If you do this and succeed, congratulations, you just saved Alcoholics Anonymous the pain of having to listen to another sob story. They don’t get addicted to alcohol due to depression or genetics. They are just dumb.

Hey everyone. My name is MC DrunkF**k and I am a failure.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I dislike all types of people, but these ones just about take the ass-hat cake.  After they get done talking about how they passed out with their hand down their cousins pants, they attempt to discuss their favorite beverages with you. These typically consist of Miller Lite, Natty Ice/Light, Russian Man Urine (also known as Karkov), and other puketastic beverages. Now, I have shamefully taken part in drinking these crappy beverages, but they aren’t things I drink on a regular basis, because I want to have a shred of pride left in my soul (what  I have left of one). This would also explain why they make the decisions they do. They are simply of below average intelligence, and now I feel bad for hating on them.

Nevermind, you definitely suck.