For all you disgusting, sweaty folks like myself, or those that simply enjoy good food, I have some news that will blow your mind (and possibly make you blow in your pants). The McRib is back, baby. The sweet, tangy, aromatic, juicy, beautiful, sexy, and titillating slab of processed meat that makes everyone scream for joy (and probably fright) is now back on the menu. In all reality I could just put many pictures of the sandwich itself on here and call it an article, but by doing that all readers would gain 25 pounds and develop diabetes.
Let us start by looking at the functioning parts of a McRib. Look at those onions. They literally just look like big smiley faces. Not a coincidence. They are seducing you into a trance like state, daring you to say no to it. They are so good looking that they appear fake, which they probably are in most cases. I would generally call bullshit on McDonald’s for falsely advertising the quality of their produce, but there is always the off chance that they aren’t lying and it’s the effort that counts. And that in itself makes me buy it. And that is also why I am known as a poor decision maker.
Alright, I generally like pickles. However, in my opinion, the pickles are not essential. Putting pickles on the McRib is kind of like Occupy Wall Street and its effects on America. It’s a good idea in principal, but nevertheless makes the sandwich look and taste worse. The picture above is supposed to make the McRib and it’s pickles look as appetizing as possible. They really screwed the pooch on this one though. They look like the rubber pickles you get with one of those dirty plastic kitchen sets you always see in daycare centers. I prefer my pickles to be real and not covered in baby feces and snot.
Now for the best part. The Fonzie of all sandwich meats. Rib patty. It is better than your sandwich meat and it knows it. The rib patty is like the dickhead lawyer of McDonalds: It thrives on the failure of McDonald’s other meats. And failure of meats at McDonald’s is a very good thing on which to thrive. Many people will only go to McDonald’s once a year and it is for a McRib. All because of this one succulent meat. Looking at this clearly fake yet delicious rib patty is like looking into the eyes of Jesus himself. The way they process it to make it look like there are rib bones inside of it is just make it that much better. It makes me forget for a second that I am probably eating a pig’s asshole. Hell, if pig’s assholes actually taste that good all the time, count me in on the cornhole bandwagon.
As you can tell, I enjoy a McRib or 8 here and there. It is like choosing to not do homework and then playing video games for 8 hours. It is a bad choice, but it is such a good choice at the same time. I highly encourage everyone to try one. You will thoroughly enjoy it. If you do not, you are not human and you should send it to me via USPS so I can enjoy it. Just do not read this before you eat it. Just know that the number one ingredient is actually pork. Disregard all other facts.