All posts in College

For all you disgusting, sweaty folks like myself,  or those that simply enjoy good food, I have some news that will blow your mind (and possibly make you blow in your pants). The McRib is back, baby. The sweet, tangy, aromatic, juicy, beautiful, sexy, and titillating slab of processed meat that makes everyone scream for joy (and probably fright) is now back on the menu. In all reality I could  just put many pictures of the sandwich itself on here and call it an article, but by doing that all readers would gain 25 pounds and develop diabetes.

It's all worth it. Enjoy your immediate weight gain.

Let us start by looking at the functioning parts of a McRib. Look at  those onions. They literally just look like big smiley faces.  Not a coincidence. They are seducing you into a trance like state, daring you to say no to it. They are so good looking that they appear fake, which they probably are in most cases. I would generally call bullshit on McDonald’s for falsely advertising the quality of their produce, but there is always the off chance that they aren’t lying and it’s the effort that counts. And that in itself makes me buy it. And that is also why I am known as a poor decision maker. Continue reading →

Sorry for the title, it is a misnomer. There is literally nothing good about the testing system of colleges, it just sounded good. I like to compare testing in college to buying a hooker: You think you make the right choices to protect yourself from all poor outcomes, but you still end up pissing fire afterwards (or just doing poorly). Every day I hear about, and experience, the nightmares that are test scores. When I look into the dark, soulless eyes of my professor as she hands back my test, I know deep down that she is happy. Professors are the Fonzies of the academic world: They just do not give a shit. Just the other day I walked into my house to hear all of my roommates (including myself) bitching  about how their test score percentages were lower than the percentage of people in Africa with running water.

He steals your pride and your virginity

Tests that are being given these days register, on a scale of “1-F*** Me Sideways”, at a healthy ranking of “Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ Save Me.” Sorry, but no one can save you, not even Christ in clogs (dance troupe name, anyone?). Sure, when I sit down to take a test, I expect that there will be some questions I do not know. If that was not true, then everyone would get A’s. However, when teacher’s end up grading tests based on a 60% curve, things are getting out of hand. Last time I checked, an average grade was a C, or about 75%, not 60%. That is just an example from the classes that I am taking (business related). When you get into classes such as engineering and calculus, test averages can drop down to 50%, or in Asian parents terms, “Get out of my house.” Continue reading →

This can no longer be ignored, as I know many people are probably thinking the same thing as me. Cartoons are turning into animated, acid induced drug trips and, as awesome as that may sound to some of you, I am utterly horrified. As I write this, I am watching Brian Griffin of Family Guy(for those of you who don’t know who that is, leave) undertake a mushroom induced bender of a lifetime. I don’t know how to describe it, but after watching Brian witness Peter being grilled on a spit, rotisserie style, by creatures that look like Danny Devito made love to another Danny Devito,  I can express my thoughts only through one phrase: Jesus tap-dancing Christ.

Yes. That scene was this blasphemous.

Once you get over how offensive that picture may be to some (but funny of course), you will understand how I feel about some cartoons now.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy watching someone trip balls as much as the next guy, but there is far too much tripping of balls going on here. Take a look at shows like “Adventure Time” and even Spongebob Squarepants for Christ’s sake. These shows were made by drug users, for drug users (seriously, watch any episode after of Spongebob after reading this and you will see it). Even the cut scenes going into commercials during Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim carry on the drug induced mayhem. I just watched a huge disembodied, green head of what appeared to be Satan or possibly Bob Dylan tell a kid to enter his mouth. As I am laying here in my dark room that looks like it should be in the movie Saw, I know I will have nightmares about these things. Continue reading →

Let me get this straight. I have nothing against people involved in the fraternity/sorority scene. Good for you, just don’t talk to me unless you are offering me a beer. Fraternities are not what they used to be. I want to see John Belushi again, drinking Jack Daniels from a chalice the size of a Gatorade cooler and farting on all the “cool guys.” Unfortunately, John Belushi died 30 years ago and all we have left from Animal House is Kevin Bacon (also unfortunate), so that can’t happen. Anyways, the problem I do have involves their culture. This problem of culture is frat sunglasses.

These. These are bad. Don't wear them.

These sunglasses are the bane of my existence. When people wear them, I don’t want them to die, I just want them to stop existing. Let’s go over the simplistic and frankly

Continue reading →

I know everyone reading this has been in class sitting next to one of these annoying bastards. You’re sitting in your freshmen psychology class, and the teacher asks you to do one of those stupid, “What Would You Bring With You if Your Airplane Exploded and Crashed into a Mountain” surveys. If you are like me, you bring the useful things, like rope, fire, and a human corpse to eat. Then, out of nowhere, you get these damn window lickers that spout off about how they’d bring that one bottle of alcohol left on the plane. You think, “Hm… I guess you could use it to enhance the flavor of Steve or if it’s high enough proof maybe one could use it as a fire starter.” Then this clown pukes out, “Holy shit bro/female version of a bro. Screw a lighter, I’m bringin’ tha boozes with me.” Then they laugh out loud, in a way that makes you loathe humanity. “Oh my god dude (Even girls say this. The f**k?), I love drinking so much. Like, I drank (insert rather small number of beers and/or shots) on Saturday at a frat house,” they exclaim to the class, who now hates this “person”. In any given class of around 80 people, there will be about 5 people who do this. All 5 of these people are going to hell.

Welcome to hell. Enjoy.