For all you disgusting, sweaty folks like myself, or those that simply enjoy good food, I have some news that will blow your mind (and possibly make you blow in your pants). The McRib is back, baby. The sweet, tangy, aromatic, juicy, beautiful, sexy, and titillating slab of processed meat that makes everyone scream for joy (and probably fright) is now back on the menu. In all reality I could just put many pictures of the sandwich itself on here and call it an article, but by doing that all readers would gain 25 pounds and develop diabetes.
It's all worth it. Enjoy your immediate weight gain.
Let us start by looking at the functioning parts of a McRib. Look at those onions. They literally just look like big smiley faces. Not a coincidence. They are seducing you into a trance like state, daring you to say no to it. They are so good looking that they appear fake, which they probably are in most cases. I would generally call bullshit on McDonald’s for falsely advertising the quality of their produce, but there is always the off chance that they aren’t lying and it’s the effort that counts. And that in itself makes me buy it. And that is also why I am known as a poor decision maker. Continue reading →
When the Occupy Wall Street movement began on September 17th, the level of stupidity residing in New York began to climb exponentially, one lazy hippy at a time. In the past month and a half, the movement has grown to over 20,000 people that are sitting in the midst of New York city getting in the damn way of people that are trying to get to work. I want to share my opinion of the movement. I think it is a bunch of stupid, young, unsuccessful hippies that just simply don’t know how the hell the corporate world and the free market work.
Continue reading →
Sorry for the title, it is a misnomer. There is literally nothing good about the testing system of colleges, it just sounded good. I like to compare testing in college to buying a hooker: You think you make the right choices to protect yourself from all poor outcomes, but you still end up pissing fire afterwards (or just doing poorly). Every day I hear about, and experience, the nightmares that are test scores. When I look into the dark, soulless eyes of my professor as she hands back my test, I know deep down that she is happy. Professors are the Fonzies of the academic world: They just do not give a shit. Just the other day I walked into my house to hear all of my roommates (including myself) bitching about how their test score percentages were lower than the percentage of people in Africa with running water.
He steals your pride and your virginity
Tests that are being given these days register, on a scale of “1-F*** Me Sideways”, at a healthy ranking of “Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ Save Me.” Sorry, but no one can save you, not even Christ in clogs (dance troupe name, anyone?). Sure, when I sit down to take a test, I expect that there will be some questions I do not know. If that was not true, then everyone would get A’s. However, when teacher’s end up grading tests based on a 60% curve, things are getting out of hand. Last time I checked, an average grade was a C, or about 75%, not 60%. That is just an example from the classes that I am taking (business related). When you get into classes such as engineering and calculus, test averages can drop down to 50%, or in Asian parents terms, “Get out of my house.” Continue reading →
The cool, fall weather brings with it an eerie chill, which in turn brings the small children out dressed as witches, ghosts, ladybugs and super heros for Halloween.
However, the spirit of Halloween is also shared by the spirit of promiscuity-innocent characters turned into whores and lady bugs that aren’t so childish anymore. A man’s Christmas; a mother’s worst nightmare: Halloween, where college students exchange shots instead of candy. Instead of “Trick or Treat”, it’s more like “Where’s my drink?”.
For every innocent little girl that is dressed as a Disney Princess, there is sure to be another college princess getting plastered and rubbing her trunk on some guys junk. Furthermore, Halloween is no longer about costume originality for college girls. Not only are most costumes you see on campus slutty, but they’re usually the exact same costumes re-used year after year. Come on girls, get some class! We can only have so many slutty pirates before guys get tired of them….who am I kidding? Guys always enjoy a slutty pirate! but that is besides the point… I’ve put together a collaboration of great costumes and then others that may make you want to make stab your eyes out.
Continue reading →
If you are a college age kid, then you have probably heard your fair share of pitiful children moaning and bitching about how lame and unoriginal country music is. Whether it is on Myspace (hopefully not though), Facebook, or Twitter, you can always find a person whining about how country music is “all about their dog dying and girlfriend leaving and tractor breaking and drinking beer because of that.” All that we country music lovers hear is “Blah blah blah, I’m an ignorant douche.”
What ignorant children think country singers look like.
I am willing to bet that these self-proclaimed “people with good taste in music” have not listened to a legitimate country artist for more than 3 minutes of their miserable life. If they had listened to let’s say Tim McGraw, Keith Urban, or Eric Church for more than one song, they would realize that, yeah, ok maybe some is about drinking beer and that other fun shit that EVERYBODY DOES ANYWAY, but a majority of songs are about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. Continue reading →
This can no longer be ignored, as I know many people are probably thinking the same thing as me. Cartoons are turning into animated, acid induced drug trips and, as awesome as that may sound to some of you, I am utterly horrified. As I write this, I am watching Brian Griffin of Family Guy(for those of you who don’t know who that is, leave) undertake a mushroom induced bender of a lifetime. I don’t know how to describe it, but after watching Brian witness Peter being grilled on a spit, rotisserie style, by creatures that look like Danny Devito made love to another Danny Devito, I can express my thoughts only through one phrase: Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
Yes. That scene was this blasphemous.
Once you get over how offensive that picture may be to some (but funny of course), you will understand how I feel about some cartoons now. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy watching someone trip balls as much as the next guy, but there is far too much tripping of balls going on here. Take a look at shows like “Adventure Time” and even Spongebob Squarepants for Christ’s sake. These shows were made by drug users, for drug users (seriously, watch any episode after of Spongebob after reading this and you will see it). Even the cut scenes going into commercials during Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim carry on the drug induced mayhem. I just watched a huge disembodied, green head of what appeared to be Satan or possibly Bob Dylan tell a kid to enter his mouth. As I am laying here in my dark room that looks like it should be in the movie Saw, I know I will have nightmares about these things. Continue reading →
Being a college student attending a major university in Minnesota (there’s only one just so you know), I often have to consider the fact that I’m paying a lot of money for my education. Often I wish that I could just get it for a discounted price, or you know just get credits for having a library card. Anyways, it turns out that Groupon.com has joined forces with National Louis University in Chicago and is actually offering discounted classes in introductory graduate level teaching courses, costing students about 40% of what it normally would.
enter code: dirtcheap1 at checkout screen for our free shipping package
Despite this not directly affecting me in any way whatsoever, it thrills me that the internet is essentially allowing people to get discounted college credit online (now if I could only buy credits on Amazon…). Disregarding the fact that I’m neither a grad student nor teaching major I love that accredited classes are now available to get discounted online. I hope Tim Berners-Lee had me in mind.
Let me get this straight. I have nothing against people involved in the fraternity/sorority scene. Good for you, just don’t talk to me unless you are offering me a beer. Fraternities are not what they used to be. I want to see John Belushi again, drinking Jack Daniels from a chalice the size of a Gatorade cooler and farting on all the “cool guys.” Unfortunately, John Belushi died 30 years ago and all we have left from Animal House is Kevin Bacon (also unfortunate), so that can’t happen. Anyways, the problem I do have involves their culture. This problem of culture is frat sunglasses.
These. These are bad. Don't wear them.
These sunglasses are the bane of my existence. When people wear them, I don’t want them to die, I just want them to stop existing. Let’s go over the simplistic and frankly
Continue reading →
I know everyone reading this has been in class sitting next to one of these annoying bastards. You’re sitting in your freshmen psychology class, and the teacher asks you to do one of those stupid, “What Would You Bring With You if Your Airplane Exploded and Crashed into a Mountain” surveys. If you are like me, you bring the useful things, like rope, fire, and a human corpse to eat. Then, out of nowhere, you get these damn window lickers that spout off about how they’d bring that one bottle of alcohol left on the plane. You think, “Hm… I guess you could use it to enhance the flavor of Steve or if it’s high enough proof maybe one could use it as a fire starter.” Then this clown pukes out, “Holy shit bro/female version of a bro. Screw a lighter, I’m bringin’ tha boozes with me.” Then they laugh out loud, in a way that makes you loathe humanity. “Oh my god dude (Even girls say this. The f**k?), I love drinking so much. Like, I drank (insert rather small number of beers and/or shots) on Saturday at a frat house,” they exclaim to the class, who now hates this “person”. In any given class of around 80 people, there will be about 5 people who do this. All 5 of these people are going to hell.
Welcome to hell. Enjoy.
First off champ, or MC DrunkF**k, or whatever you call your drunk self, the majority of college students do the same damn thing you do. Oddly enough, even more people than that don’t care. I know, I know, you never got to drink in high school because you were in an oh-so important high school sport or Continue reading →
Respectable shirt, but more people will listen if it's off
Sorry to any vegetarians reading this, but PETA sucks. They have now started to stoop down to the levels of the rednecks and other PETA haters that give us real carnivores a bad name. Check out this awesome, 6th grade girl-esque list of reasons as to why stupid girls eat meat (according to PETA).
First off, I just want to point out that iDistract is not associated with nor do we hold the same views as Jessica Simpson. I smell hypocrisy PETA. How can you make fun of something that has the same intelligence level as the animals you attempt to protect. Stupid. Anyways, it took me 5 minutes to figure out where the hell this list even was on the webpage until I figured out they numbered it within a paragraph, using their superior 6th grade knowledge. Continue reading →