For all you disgusting, sweaty folks like myself, or those that simply enjoy good food, I have some news that will blow your mind (and possibly make you blow in your pants). The McRib is back, baby. The sweet, tangy, aromatic, juicy, beautiful, sexy, and titillating slab of processed meat that makes everyone scream for joy (and probably fright) is now back on the menu. In all reality I could just put many pictures of the sandwich itself on here and call it an article, but by doing that all readers would gain 25 pounds and develop diabetes.
It's all worth it. Enjoy your immediate weight gain.
Let us start by looking at the functioning parts of a McRib. Look at those onions. They literally just look like big smiley faces. Not a coincidence. They are seducing you into a trance like state, daring you to say no to it. They are so good looking that they appear fake, which they probably are in most cases. I would generally call bullshit on McDonald’s for falsely advertising the quality of their produce, but there is always the off chance that they aren’t lying and it’s the effort that counts. And that in itself makes me buy it. And that is also why I am known as a poor decision maker. Continue reading →
Sorry for the title, it is a misnomer. There is literally nothing good about the testing system of colleges, it just sounded good. I like to compare testing in college to buying a hooker: You think you make the right choices to protect yourself from all poor outcomes, but you still end up pissing fire afterwards (or just doing poorly). Every day I hear about, and experience, the nightmares that are test scores. When I look into the dark, soulless eyes of my professor as she hands back my test, I know deep down that she is happy. Professors are the Fonzies of the academic world: They just do not give a shit. Just the other day I walked into my house to hear all of my roommates (including myself) bitching about how their test score percentages were lower than the percentage of people in Africa with running water.
He steals your pride and your virginity
Tests that are being given these days register, on a scale of “1-F*** Me Sideways”, at a healthy ranking of “Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ Save Me.” Sorry, but no one can save you, not even Christ in clogs (dance troupe name, anyone?). Sure, when I sit down to take a test, I expect that there will be some questions I do not know. If that was not true, then everyone would get A’s. However, when teacher’s end up grading tests based on a 60% curve, things are getting out of hand. Last time I checked, an average grade was a C, or about 75%, not 60%. That is just an example from the classes that I am taking (business related). When you get into classes such as engineering and calculus, test averages can drop down to 50%, or in Asian parents terms, “Get out of my house.” Continue reading →
The cool, fall weather brings with it an eerie chill, which in turn brings the small children out dressed as witches, ghosts, ladybugs and super heros for Halloween.
However, the spirit of Halloween is also shared by the spirit of promiscuity-innocent characters turned into whores and lady bugs that aren’t so childish anymore. A man’s Christmas; a mother’s worst nightmare: Halloween, where college students exchange shots instead of candy. Instead of “Trick or Treat”, it’s more like “Where’s my drink?”.
For every innocent little girl that is dressed as a Disney Princess, there is sure to be another college princess getting plastered and rubbing her trunk on some guys junk. Furthermore, Halloween is no longer about costume originality for college girls. Not only are most costumes you see on campus slutty, but they’re usually the exact same costumes re-used year after year. Come on girls, get some class! We can only have so many slutty pirates before guys get tired of them….who am I kidding? Guys always enjoy a slutty pirate! but that is besides the point… I’ve put together a collaboration of great costumes and then others that may make you want to make stab your eyes out.
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This can no longer be ignored, as I know many people are probably thinking the same thing as me. Cartoons are turning into animated, acid induced drug trips and, as awesome as that may sound to some of you, I am utterly horrified. As I write this, I am watching Brian Griffin of Family Guy(for those of you who don’t know who that is, leave) undertake a mushroom induced bender of a lifetime. I don’t know how to describe it, but after watching Brian witness Peter being grilled on a spit, rotisserie style, by creatures that look like Danny Devito made love to another Danny Devito, I can express my thoughts only through one phrase: Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
Yes. That scene was this blasphemous.
Once you get over how offensive that picture may be to some (but funny of course), you will understand how I feel about some cartoons now. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy watching someone trip balls as much as the next guy, but there is far too much tripping of balls going on here. Take a look at shows like “Adventure Time” and even Spongebob Squarepants for Christ’s sake. These shows were made by drug users, for drug users (seriously, watch any episode after of Spongebob after reading this and you will see it). Even the cut scenes going into commercials during Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim carry on the drug induced mayhem. I just watched a huge disembodied, green head of what appeared to be Satan or possibly Bob Dylan tell a kid to enter his mouth. As I am laying here in my dark room that looks like it should be in the movie Saw, I know I will have nightmares about these things. Continue reading →
Let me get this straight. I have nothing against people involved in the fraternity/sorority scene. Good for you, just don’t talk to me unless you are offering me a beer. Fraternities are not what they used to be. I want to see John Belushi again, drinking Jack Daniels from a chalice the size of a Gatorade cooler and farting on all the “cool guys.” Unfortunately, John Belushi died 30 years ago and all we have left from Animal House is Kevin Bacon (also unfortunate), so that can’t happen. Anyways, the problem I do have involves their culture. This problem of culture is frat sunglasses.
These. These are bad. Don't wear them.
These sunglasses are the bane of my existence. When people wear them, I don’t want them to die, I just want them to stop existing. Let’s go over the simplistic and frankly
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I know everyone reading this has been in class sitting next to one of these annoying bastards. You’re sitting in your freshmen psychology class, and the teacher asks you to do one of those stupid, “What Would You Bring With You if Your Airplane Exploded and Crashed into a Mountain” surveys. If you are like me, you bring the useful things, like rope, fire, and a human corpse to eat. Then, out of nowhere, you get these damn window lickers that spout off about how they’d bring that one bottle of alcohol left on the plane. You think, “Hm… I guess you could use it to enhance the flavor of Steve or if it’s high enough proof maybe one could use it as a fire starter.” Then this clown pukes out, “Holy shit bro/female version of a bro. Screw a lighter, I’m bringin’ tha boozes with me.” Then they laugh out loud, in a way that makes you loathe humanity. “Oh my god dude (Even girls say this. The f**k?), I love drinking so much. Like, I drank (insert rather small number of beers and/or shots) on Saturday at a frat house,” they exclaim to the class, who now hates this “person”. In any given class of around 80 people, there will be about 5 people who do this. All 5 of these people are going to hell.
Welcome to hell. Enjoy.
First off champ, or MC DrunkF**k, or whatever you call your drunk self, the majority of college students do the same damn thing you do. Oddly enough, even more people than that don’t care. I know, I know, you never got to drink in high school because you were in an oh-so important high school sport or Continue reading →
Respectable shirt, but more people will listen if it's off
Sorry to any vegetarians reading this, but PETA sucks. They have now started to stoop down to the levels of the rednecks and other PETA haters that give us real carnivores a bad name. Check out this awesome, 6th grade girl-esque list of reasons as to why stupid girls eat meat (according to PETA).
First off, I just want to point out that iDistract is not associated with nor do we hold the same views as Jessica Simpson. I smell hypocrisy PETA. How can you make fun of something that has the same intelligence level as the animals you attempt to protect. Stupid. Anyways, it took me 5 minutes to figure out where the hell this list even was on the webpage until I figured out they numbered it within a paragraph, using their superior 6th grade knowledge. Continue reading →
It also makes your child look like this. Which is bad.
How many time do you hear annoying yuppie parents talk about how there kid is so advanced that he could do math AND wipe his own ass at the age of 3? These parents are the same ones that also make sure to tell you that whatever you are doing to your child is wrong. My parents weren’t afraid to give me a little smack if I got out of line, and I came out fine.
Me at age 8
Baby Einstein is the hero of middle class moms worldwide. With Baby Einstein, these people not only have the “opportunity” to try teach their kids math at the age of 2, but they also have something to brag about to their normal, inferior friends. Just because a foot shows up on the TV screen and the child points to their foot region does not mean your child can read it. That’s called a conditioned response. This kid is still shitting in their pants, but the parents seem to forget this. When you show me a kid that can recite the digits of pi while playing Mozart, then I may believe in the magic of Baby Einstein (or they may have Aspergers, get it checked out).
I am sorry if you were a child that grew up on Baby Einstein and take offense to this. You may say, “But I knew all the colors by the time I was 3.” I will reply with, “I don’t care.” My pet dog is 3 years old and is already able to have sex AND kill it’s own food. Dogs are far superior to you as a child.
Anyways, my fellow non-believers, news has come out recently that Baby Einstein is actually as stupid as we think. Researchers from the University of Washington discovered something that will lead to the tears of many overprotective/Asian parents. Read this posted article and enjoy the defamation of Baby Einstein.
SPOILER ALERT: I could not hold myself back from spouting this out: Baby Einstein toys contain excessive amounts of lead. BOOM. But still, read the articles.
If you are ever wanting to mess with your friends or some random unsuspecting person, just bacon one of their web pages when they aren’t looking. See example below:
Baconing: the act of applying a very high resolution photo of bacon on a website.
How to Bacon:
- Visit this site : http://bacolicio.us/
- Put the URL of the site that you want to bacon behind the slash. (ex. http://bacolicio.us/http://www.idistract.com)* (must include the http://)*
- Repeat to everyone.
Please help join the movement and bacon your friends, your families, your teachers, your mothers, and even your grandmothers.
One of my favorite sites on the internet is no doubt Cracked.com. They have hilarious articles everyday that are written by people with such an absurd sense of humor that you can’t help but admire their swagger. A bit of history about the site: The brand actually started as a humor magazine, much like Mad Magazine, in 1958 and ran until 2005. It is one of the very few to withstand the power of Mad and last for so long. After discontinuing the magazine in ’05, the company moved to a solely online media base in ’07 and has been fairly successful. I am one of the “everyday readers” that checks the site daily and reposts articles frequently on social networking sites. Here is my favorite article of all time from Cracked.com. Enjoy.
7 People Who Cheated Death (Then Kicked It In The Balls)
Final issue of “Cracked Magazine”